| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2008|09:30 am] |
i was bored... and i thought the picture was pretty.... also im pretty sure this defines me accurately,
You are a Light Angel. You are usually happy and excited. You can never get angry, but when you do, you can do a lot of damage. You always look on the optomistic side of things. You're very, very kind and sometimes a little ditzy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2007|09:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
loneliness is one of those things that comes and goes as it pleases. some days im just fine on my own, and others this intense sinking feeling sets in and just drags me down for the rest of the day. and it is so hard to get up out of that pit. its one of those things that i cant really escape, but the thought has crossed my mind to just get up and start walking it off when it happens. i do feel better when i go outside. its hard to feel motivated when everything is bearing down on me like a ton of bricks. i have so much to do, and so little time to do it in. hopefully ill find a balance soon, one that works for me, my work schedule, my studying schedule, and my exercise schedule. im trying something new tomorrow. we'll see how this goes. im ready for this, i need this. 1 down 74 to go. |
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| i forgot i needed this. |
[Oct. 23rd, 2007|12:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
christ, a year and a half.
reading back, ive noticied that a lot has changed, but sadly, a lot has stayed the same. and no matter how contrite it is, i cant help but wish that everything was completely different. the boy drama continues, and one would think the characters have changed; that is not the case. i feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin this time around, sort of. there are many changes that need to be made, habits that need to be broken, and emotional downfalls that need to be overcome.
this is a lot harder to write than i thought it would be. time to relearn how to open up to myself. its a new and different ride this time. 0 down 75 to go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|11:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
well, i supposed its time i updated this thing. it has been quite some time. i wish i had something really interesting to write about. sadly, thats not the case. there has been drama, of course, but nothing of extreme substance or interest. the whole thing with kyle is over, im not upset over it. i could really care less. he ended up getting a hold of me last night for the first time in two weeks. it was stupid. im just not interested any more. i had fun with him, and for all i care, i could go chill with him sometime and stull have fun with him. but im not going to hold my breath or waste my time over him. its not worth it. in other news, ive been seeing a bit more of ben in the past couple of days. its nice. i took care of him friday night and ive kinda been talking to him on and off. however, as with the kyle situation, im not going to hold my breath over anything. if he wants to talk to me, hes more than welcome. unlike the kyle thing, if i havent heard from ben in a few days, ill drop him a line and see whats going on. i just want someone that i can be comfortable with. and, to be quite honest, despite all the shit that ben and i went through, hes the one who id really like to spend more time with. theres also some random drama with one boy who i have known for a long time. he and i have kind of fallen into a rut where we'd make out if we were drunk together, but in the past week, hes been trying to take it beyond that. im not sure if im totally okay with that. im not sure if i even want to do anything more than make out with him. i dont want to compromise the friendship that he and i have, but at the same time, i do have a good time hanging out with him. i probably shouldnt completely throw out this thing like it nothing if it could be something. i dont know. its hard for me to understand what is going through his head, let alone mine. i dont know what i want for the time being. i think a lot of me is waiting for ben, which is probably a bad idea. but at the same time, i want to go out and have fun and the guy from home is someone i can for sure do that with. its just hard to make a decision when ive got nothing to really base my emotions on. i feel like im scattered all over the place. i dont understand what im supposed to do. i dont know if i should wait and see where things go with ben over the summer, or see where things take me with the guy from home. i dont know. its too much for me to worry about. school should be taking over my life, and it seems to me that as of late its taken a back seat to other things. i know thats not good at all. there has been drama within the department also, which is just taking its toll on everyone. part of me is thinking about switching majors. some of that is because i dont think im doing well enough in my classes, but the rest of it is the desire to get away from the high school bullshit that seems to be plaguing the undergrads. i hate some people right now, and i dont usually hate anyone. i dont like getting treated like im inferior, especially when i am doing better than the ones who treat me that way. i dont like how some of the undergrads are treating the grad sutdents. i know its a problem when i bring up one person with two of the grads and they, among other grad students, have problems with this kid too. the drama in the department is almost getting to be too much. its sad. you would like to think that people actually grow up when they get into college, but it seems to me that some people really regress. well, enough bitching. im out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|04:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted and introverted | ] |
it has been nearly a month since ive taken the time to update on here. it would seem that life has taken some interesting turns in the past two weeks or so. things with kyle and i have really thrown me for a loop. i thought i was kind of in a secure place with him, but he has been acting really strangely lately. i dont think hes in a good place right now. i wish i could find some way to get him out of this funk, but im not sure how. until this weekend, however, there had not been a lot of drama between him and i, but drunken miscommunication leads to a drunken me wandering around iowa city alone in the sleet and snow, wading in puddles to make my way back to scott and nicks place so i can at least be among friends to cry. i know the way he acted towards me was unintentional, but it still sucked a lot. this weekend was drama filled to say the least. two nights in a row i got yelled at, while i was drunk, by the two boys who i care most about (also drunk). sydney came in (which was super awesome) and we had a good time for the most part, but i felt, and still fell, awful for how much drama there was this weekend. theres never ever this much drama in iowa city. at least not all in one weekend. im just counting the days until this week is over. ive got two tests to plow my way through. mythology shouldnt be too difficult, i just need to review my notes and the readings. intermediate mechanics on the other hand, i am really worried about. the concepts for this class arent too complex, but the math is a whole nother story. im pretty positive im going to fail. at least spring break is friday. saturday i'm going to california too see my aunt ann uncle and cousins; im really excited about that. this break is a much needed one. i need a week away from everyone. i wouldnt really count on hearing from me, and honestly, part of me is thinking about just leaving my phone at home. i need alone time. theres a lot for me to think about over break. i need to relax, and hopefully read a book just for me. im thinking i wont have a lot of homework over break, but who knows. i guess im hoping for no homework because i need to escape from school for a while. a lot of me feels really lost right now, hopefully ill come back to myself over break. i just need me time. i need to go tanning, i need a manicure, i need a pedicure, i need a massage. i need to be pampered. i need to be a girl... and i need to let go of a lot of emotions that ive shoved back during the first part of this semester. i need break. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|02:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | american pie-don mclean | ] |
life has been really busy lately. although, im not sure if it really has gotten more busy, or if my work and class schedules are catching up to me hardcore. im working at least 17 hours a week, and taking classes and studying for much more than that. i have some downtime during the week, but its usually being spent studying, reading, cleaning or showering. on a much better note, i had a great weekend. mom came out for the basketball game on saturday (iowa is #1 in the big ten!!). she and i went to dinner with amy and her momma on friday night, which was a blast! i ended up not going out at all after though. people wanted me in 3 different places, but i just didnt feel up to going out, especially since im kina sick. so i stayed in and took some nyquill and went to bed at 11. as it would turn out it was a good idea, mostly becuase i had to work at 8am, but it really let me cut loose after the game saturday night. i went out with kyle and his boys, and ive never had a better time at brothers in my life! anyway, kyle and i ended up going home a bit after close and watched (*wink*) boondock saints. he ended up staying at my place till we both left for different super bowl xl parties at 5pm. so, i ended up going to dougie's place with megan and mara for the superbowl, in wich the steelers creamed the seahawks... amongst some terrible calls and ugly plays and funny comercials. anyhow, great weekend. im really happy right now. im not sure i could ask for much more, except more time to sleep. but i do like where things are going in my life. im happy with kyle. im happy with school and friends and stuff. and on top of everything, my room is finally clean. but it is time for me to get back to my homework and work stuff. only 50 more minutes then i get to go to bed! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2006|06:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
nothing really too interesting to update since the last entry, but here i am none the less. the weekend was pretty decent, i had a good time with mom and everyone. things are going seemingly well with kyle, but im not really sure where things are going with him. at the moment i think its best that i just take things one day at a time and not really worry myself with it. however, that is much easier said than done, i think about him a lot. with that said, i really like him (obvious), and i wish i got to see him more than i do. maybe i will this weekend, im pretty sure hes not going home to go hunting with his dad an bro this weekend. it would be nicce to actually go out with him on a real weekend day... not just a thursday like this week. haha. high expectations i know. oh well, que sera, sera. back to homeworking and working till 8am... then back to bed. yays. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 26th, 2006|01:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy but tired | ] |
so, things really have worked themselves out. i couldnt be happier right now, although i could really be more awake, or even better... i could be asleep. anyway... im in a really good place. the drama that unfolded the last week of break and part of last week has resolved its self, and im setteled about my decision. yay for me. back to homework and work till 4am. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2006|04:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
i dont know if im just fooling myself into believing that things have worked themselves out this time, or if im being optimistic. however, i do know that after spending 22 hours with my other choice, and not feeling guilty about being with them, is a good sign. i dont feel like i did saturday night/sunday morning. im happy. i have no regrets about anything that happened (except for the outcome of the bears game, but theres really nothing i can do about that). i can easily sit here and say that i can make this choice and be content. i know that its not a decision, but more of me trying out my options and simply picking the one that felt right. yesterday felt good. very good. and i have to be true to myself and see if that one works. i dont have another option, and i dont want one. im happy with they way things are going, and i dont want that to change. im excited to see what will happen. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2006|12:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | paul van dyk - love parade | ] |
last night things went to shit. im not really sure why im so upset about what happened, but i cant stop thinking about it, and its nothing good either. i feel like i betrayed someone who i cant really even betray. i feel like my origional decision was a huge mistake, that i wanted that for all the wrong reasons. im not looking to make me happy, im trying to please everyone around me... and i cant do that. not right now, i cant afford to make any decisions, i just have to let things fall into place. i hate being out of control. i want to fix my life but i cant, there is nothing i can do because no matter what way i choose i will end up hurting someone else and myself at the same time. i wish a lot of this didnt happen. i wish i didnt regret last night. i wish i didnt feel so loyal to someone who has yet to deserve my loyalty. i would rather be alone than be in this situation. i am in no emotional place to be in a realtionship with anyone, let alone more than one person. i have no faith in love. i dont believe in fate anymore... que sera, sera used to mean everything but now its nothing to me. i cant do this alone, but i cant do this with anyone else either. i dont know what to do. i need help, but i dont know who to turn to. ive lost trust in a lot of people, but mostly myself. i cant trust myself to make the right decision, so im just not going to make any decision at all. |
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